something about a moleskine that makes my heart skips a beat.

With tears trickling down my cheek, a small grin on the face and a raised eyebrow to confirm the fake tears, I start reviewing the courses I take this semester.

I’m glad, after all, knowing that this might be the only semester in which most, or maybe all of the modules are not forced towards me, but what I actually like.

• PC1327/GEK1519 Science of Music
• GEM1501 Problem Solving For Computing
• CN5181 Computer Aided Chemical Engineering
• CN4120R Design Project

But it’s not all dancing in the clouds too as there are some sacrifices that I have to make.

One of the hardest decision is to take Computer Aided Chem E which schedule is Friday night, meaning I have to miss almost every single NUS-ISCF fellowship sessions.

I am sure that I will never forgive myself if I do not give my best from the very start to the very end for all these modules.

Well, I also need to come to school almost everyday. And, I’m gonna force myself to stop being too comfortable at home, away from school, studies and the society. I just need to fight these well, and end it well too.

Yes, I have my ups and downs all four years in NUS. And I fear the outcome of this 4 year study. Will I graduate and make my parents proud? Will I get a job after graduation? Will my university time be marked as “failed” by myself, or friends, or family? I really don’t know. As all these thoughts race all over my brain, I calmed myself down and reminded myself that I should let go of the past, the complacency, the disappointments and failures. After all, I’m not working hard to serve men, myself, parents’ expectations or what others think about me, but God and God alone. I commit myself this last semester not only to fight hard in my studies, but also to depend hard on Him.

Ah, and I get stressed out extremely easily with little things and I get sick easily with big things Those that know me well, know that I have those tendencies. I used to see that as one of my weaknesses. For now, it’s still my weakness, but I would like to see it this way too: I am granted the stress and the sickness such that I stop being ignorant, not responsive or plain negative when problems come. I’m kinda forced to learn to respond not only in the right way, but also at the right time (which means as soon as the problem strikes). I guess if whenever problem comes, I stay lazy, unresponsive, using stress as my excuse not to do anything and even if I later on ‘learn’ and get back on my feet. I’ve basically never learnt at all.

And lastly, I think I should start being more organized. Starting with the little things.

Great, a rather positive post to start the new semester!

Exactly one year ago, I spent my New Year’s Eve in Sacramento, with a group of exchange students, struggling to fit in the middle of the city where the countdown was happening. Somehow I really felt like I was the most miserable person on earth. Spent the night with other 3 girls on a queen bed in a crappy hotel in downtown Sacramento, not being able to sleep well and being as melancholic as ever. Especially after looking at the irony of how such joyous occasion with people coming together, fireworks in the night sky, noises, performances, everything good, is also the exact day where bridges are heavily barricaded to protect people from committing suicides. Such celebrations are truly not helping the melancholic people at all, it really in turn brought them deeper into self-pity. And I’m one of the self-pitier. LOL.

Looking at the comments in facebook, twitter or maybe even fmylife (didn’t specifically go there but I figured it would be full of similar my-new-year-sucked stories), I can’t help but wonder how people are judging their joy or probably happiness (knowing that those 2 words meant totally different things) in celebrating New Year and Christmas. When we said we had the worst Christmas’ Eve or New Year’s Eve, or whatever eves, what do they compare it to? Did they have too much fun the years before, that this year just can’t come in comparison anymore? Or do they look at others and think that they’re the worst? I asked myself this question this year.

The reality struck me so hard when I went to Jakarta during Christmas’ Eve. How can we, who have spent all our years being well-fed, well-clothed, well-homed, still think that we’re the worst?

If we have had the privilege to enjoy and be joyful about such celebrations years before and not this “sucky” year, then give thanks for those years, give thanks that we still got to enjoy at least 1 day of such joyful occasions. I see with my own eyes how on Christmas Eve, people still work hard to survive, people with bones not even strong enough to carry the body weight, dragged themselves around, begging for money. What else can they do right? I wonder if they ever had any kind of such celebrations. Or are they just fighting for survival all their lives?

If we’ve never really gotten the kind of celebrations we always dreamed of, I think about so many people in Indonesia who still live below the income of $2, $3, $5, $10, or whatever amount, those of whom would be so glad and so grateful if they could’ve just spent one of the “sucky” celebration we proclaimed “the worst new year’s eve ever!”.

I always complained about my own family members of being very cold and I have always not preferred spending all these important dates with them. Who am I, and what have I done for them, such that I can expect so much out of them and not put even the slightest effort to regard them as true family? I look at others, how warm their families are, and sometimes I wonder why am I not in their positions. But I guess the real question is, who am I to think that I deserve to be in my family? They could’ve had a much filial daughter, a caring sister, a gentle niece, a much better girl to be in my position, but instead they’ve got me.

To think that I deserve whatever I have, is way too arrogant. And I wish to change that this new year.

Wanna learn, no matter how hard it takes, to sincerely give thanks and be grateful, for all the small details and big events.

Putting Christmas before FYP is hard. Harder if everyone else is starting on the report which is due on 6 Jan and you’re still struggling to find errors in the model.

But whatever it is, I’m putting Christmas before FYP.

Not the party, nor the shopping, nor the Santa, nor the presents… but the revival service.

I know it sounds stupid, but my spirit longs for revival, especially this Christmas, after being drown by all the FYP works.

It’s hard when you wake up to FYP, breathe FYP, think FYP, sleep FYP, tweet FYP or even dream FYP.

Alright, maybe that’s a bit exaggerated, but FYP has indeed taken over a lot of other supposedly equally important things in my life so far.

I’ll be back soon, dear FYP, but for now, I’m putting Christmas before you.

I really can’t wait for 2010 to come… wanna catch more Glee!
Don’t Rain On My Parade

Don’t tell me not to live, just sit and putter
Life’s candy and the sun’s a ball of butter
Don’t bring around a cloud to rain on my parade

Don’t tell me not to fly, I simply got to
If someone takes a spill, it’s me and not you
Who told you you’re allowed to rain on my parade

I’ll march my band out, I’ll beat my drum
And if I’m fanned out, your turn at bat, sir
At least I didn’t fake it, hat, sir
I guess I didn’t make it

But whether I’m the rose of sheer perfection
A freckle on the nose of life’s complexion
The Cinderella or the shine apple of its eye

I gotta fly once, I gotta try once,
Only can die once, right, sir?
Ooh, life is juicy, juicy and you see,
I gotta have my bite, sir.

Get ready for me love, ’cause I’m a “comer”
I simply gotta march, my heart’s a drummer
Don’t bring around the cloud to rain on my parade,

I’m gonna live and live now!
Get what I want, I know how!
One roll for the whole shebang!
One throw that bell will go clang,
Eye on the target and wham,
One shot, one gun shot and bam!
Hey, Mr. Arnstein, here I am …

I’ll march my band out, I will beat my drum,
And if I’m fanned out, your turn at bat, sir,
At least I didn’t fake it, hat, sir,
I guess I didn’t make it
Get ready for me love, ’cause I’m a “comer”
I simply gotta march, my heart’s a drummer
Nobody, no, nobody, is gonna rain on my parade!

Glee’s first season ended just last night and well, I should say that I am very satisfied with the songs I particularly like Smile, though I would rather interpret the word ’smile’ not by hiding your sadness, but more to the line of ‘hope’. I agree there are just too much insincerity going on in this world and that smiles have been badly abused. Let’s bring the meaning of ’smile’ back to ‘rejoice and keep hoping’!

I like Rachel Berry!

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it’s breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
you’ll get by

If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You’ll see the sun come shining through
for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That’s the time you must keep on trying

Smile what’s the use of crying
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you’ll just
Smile

If Shinkai-kun from Good Luck! can fight so hard against the odds of flying a plane again (from his broken leg).

How can I not fight hard against this stupid hedek-ity.

Sorry for random post lol.

Ryoko Hirosue only came out for a few minutes on 1 episode…

SAAAAAAAAADDDDDD…….

I thought I was gonna like it very very much…

Hopefully Takuya Kimura alone will do it..